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AFTER-EFFECTS OF VIETNAM
It was most difficult for Garry to be expected to step right back into things as if that whole year had never occurred. One moment he was eating c-rations in the jungle, the next an airplane meal on his "Freedom Bird", and then sitting at the dinner table at my folks’ house. No one besides me really welcomed him back or even acknowledged where he’d been. The one friend who mentioned it did so by asking if he had killed anyone! I remember that day – Garry was very upset. The morning following his arrival home, he unpacked his two duffle bags, which smelled like Vietnam – bad. All his possessions of the past year were stuffed in them: dirty fatigues and underwear, malaria pills he was supposed to continue to take and didn’t (resulting in two hospitalizations with malaria), canteens, his camera, wish I could recall what-all. He’d brought me two velveteen art paintings, a red one and black one…seems there weren’t a lot of things to buy in the way of gifts, but he hadn’t forgotten to purchase for me the most horrid pillowcase I had ever seen. It was fake satin with long, gaudy, yellow fringe, and proclaimed "Republic of Vietnam" along with some other things.
©Linda Bruckner RETURN TO VIETNAM VETERAN WIFE HOME PAGE
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The aftereffects of Vietnam began
immediately. Oh goodness, the foul language Garry used was enough to curl
your hair and toes! And I picked up on it! We hadn’t ever been much into
cussing, and it wasn’t meant as cursing now – it was simply a whole
new set of adjectives he had learned without even realizing it. Especially
the F word…it was F-ing this and F-ing that, no matter how simple a
thing was being referred to. A group of people was not a "group"
anymore but a "cluster F" because he’d spent a year
maintaining a physical distance so if there was a bomb or firefight not so
many would be killed at once. After watching my mother’s hair turn a bit
whiter with each of our visits and because we didn’t wish that
particular word to be the first our daughter spoke, we made a conscious
effort to knock it off and become part of civilized society once again.
The most difficult part, personally, was his attitude
toward our five-month-old daughter. I’m not talking abuse or anything
remotely like it, but he wanted my undivided attention and so did she.
They developed this silent war that persisted for years and is still very
painful to talk about. He felt guilty over the resentment which,
perversely, made him feel more resentful. I was not innocent, either, not
having anticipated that I wouldn’t like him stepping in and telling me
to handle things differently than I had been. I’d gone through the
pregnancy, childbirth & three months of colic alone, and made most decisions
on my own…I was wrong in not wanting them questioned. All of these
emotions seethed under the surface for the three of us for many years,
erupting like a volcano on occasions; I believe Laurie enlisted in the
Army National Guard upon high school graduation in order to both please
and better understand her father. She has ended up with a closer
relationship to him than to me! I don’t know how this happened but I don’t
regret it, either.
He was extremely demanding of her from the start and
expected her to act far beyond her age. The only fights we’ve had were
due to this, and I once came very close to leaving him. Most of life was
fine but this issue infected everything and took a huge toll on all of us.
We went to see a counselor once, during the worst of it when Laurie was an
adolescent, but that didn’t work out because it happened in the time
when psychology was sure that every problem was due to fathers molesting
daughters. This never could have been further from the truth, so the real
trouble was never discussed. That were unresolved issues regarding Vietnam.
Now, I’m not suggesting that Nam is to be blamed for all life’s woes…pain
and problems are part of life, no matter what the past…but this is one
that had to be worked on. It all came to a head in 1989, eighteen years
after the fact, which was when the long, painful healing process began. It
is still far from being over and done with!